


Anything You Can Do (I Can Cheat at Better)

by Hyaluronic



Category: Aladdin (2019), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Booker is here because I refuse to believe this goobers sent him away, Crack, Explicit Language, Jafar is Joes brother, Like total crack, M/M, cause all these goobers are potty mouths, mentions of non consensual touching, old guard kink meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:21:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26425564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyaluronic/pseuds/Hyaluronic
Summary: “Joe?” Nicky questioned in reply when he realized the timbre of Joe’s voice was off.  Where his love’s voice was normally a pleasantly deep, rich melody that would send his stomach into knots at the reverence in which Joe spoke; this voice, he realized, was silvery. An eloquent imitation.Or;Joe's brother decides to pop in for a visit.
Relationships: Jafar (Disney)/Nicky | Nicolo di Genova, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, ONE SIDED THOUGH - Relationship
Comments: 26
Kudos: 285





	Anything You Can Do (I Can Cheat at Better)

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the Jafar is Joes brothers prompt at [Old Guard Kink Meme](https://theoldguardkinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/1468.html?thread=287676#cmt287676) and Mekana47's awesome fic based around the same prompt!
> 
> Seriously go read the [ fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26404489) it's amazing!

Nicky _hmm’d_ softly at the tender press of warmth against his neck, grinned lightly when he felt the delicate nip of teeth against the slight bump of his vertebrae. He shivered as goose pimples rose in response to the gentle whisper of breath against his ear and the affectionate kiss to his temple that followed.

“Good morning, Caro Mio.” Nicky whispered, his voice still rough from sleep. He had missed this. In the days and weeks that had followed their escape from Merricks lab, Joe had been careful in his ministrations, afraid the wrong move would bring about a morbid reminder of their capture - affection, he sadly recounted, had been relegated to the quiet of motel rooms away from the eyes of their family; so, to awaken to the pleasant caresses of his love in the quiet of their room was a welcomed surprise. 

“Good morning, Ya Helo.” 

“Joe?” Nicky questioned in reply when he realized the timbre of Joe’s voice was off. Where his love’s voice was normally a pleasantly deep, rich melody that would send his stomach into knots at the reverence in which Joe spoke; this voice, he realized, was silvery. An eloquent imitation. 

Nicky turned at the adoring laugh from the man behind him. His eyes widening at the wrongness of the individual smiling lustfully at him. With a shout for Joe, Nicky shoved himself from the bed and backpedaled towards the door - his arm outstretched in warning and eyes narrowed in anger. 

“I do believe that that is the closest I have come to capturing your desire, my dearest Nicolò.” The man stated with a wink. 

The sound of pounding footsteps and the faint call of his name wrapped in a lilt of concern from the hall had Nicky sighing with relief. 

“Now, did you really have to call for my brother? He has a tendency to ruin our affections.” 

“Our… affections?” 

At the hesitant question, the unknown man gently slipped from the bed and stood twisting his back until a muffled pop was heard. “Of course, Yusuf has a rather nasty habit of interrupting-” 

As if on cue, the door behind Nicky opened with such force it dented the wall. The loud crack of plaster splitting heralded the arrival of Joe, who held a spatula in one hand and a copper plated pot in the other poised and at the ready. 

The man tilted his head at the display and gave Nicky a look - as if to say, _see?_

“Nicky?” Joe questioned, worriedly seeking out his other half, his eyes following Nicky’s outstretched arm to the well groomed mirror image of himself before he growled, “Brother.” 

“Brother!” The joyous shout had both Nicky and Joe wincing from the boisterous greeting. “It has been much too long!” 

“Not long enough, unfortunately.” Joe grumbled in annoyance, lowering the pot and spatula as he made to stand beside Nicky, their shoulders knocking against one another in comfort. 

“Is that anyway to greet family?” 

“Family? No. You? Always.” Joe retorted with a roll of the eyes. “Why are you here, Jafar? I thought you had finally found a lovely rock to crawl under.” 

“I had heard about the rather unscrupulous incident at Merrick Pharmaceuticals and just had to see how my dearest Nicolò was faring.” Jafar stated, placing a hand over his heart in mock sorrow. “I thought he might need some consoling if the worst had finally happened.” 

“We’re fine,” Nicky stated, waving his hand around to show just how _fine_ they were. “We both are well, you can leave now.” 

“Wahashtini, Nicolò.” With a wave of the hand the room around them rippled like the ever wavering sea, the early morning sun streaming into the room distorted and melted into a shadow of violet and black, the air surrounding them took on an odorous sulphuric tinge that had Nicky and Joe wrinkling their nose at the pungent smell and the disorienting wobble of the rooms objects sent them careening to the floor before everything seemed to settle. 

“Coffee!” Jafar exclaimed happily as he made his way to the still percolating machine on the counter. 

Joe helped Nicky to his feet, a feeling of nausea roiling in his stomach at the sudden displacement. Realizing that the kitchen - counters still covered in chopped vegetables and flour from the biscuits he had been getting ready to roll out - had replaced the coziness of their bedroom. “We have stairs you know, no need for such theatrics.” 

Jafar went about looking through cupboards for coffee mugs before sighing and materializing a trio of mugs himself. “Stairs are so mundane, Brother dearest. Why have the magic of the universe at your disposal if you don’t use it?” 

“Courtesy?” Nicky questioned, slipping into one the kitchen chairs that surround the mahogany table with a heavy sigh. It had been almost a hundred years since the couple had last been graced with the presence of Joe’s brother. While the visits never lasted long, they were tedious and emotionally taxing and usually ended in threats of bodily harm. 

“Hmm, well.” Jafar murmured, working delicately on his task of making coffee. “Still sugar and milk, Nicolò?” 

Nicky raised an eyebrow towards Joe, who shrugged his shoulders in lieu of words before situating himself into the empty chair beside Nicky and turning a critical eye to Jafar who was now rummaging through their fridge. 

“Still take yours as black as your heart?” Joe questioned, watching as his brother - instead of answering - turned to give him a steely eyed look while he slammed the fridge shut. “Whatever it is you have planned this time, Jafar, can you please leave it be? It has been a very trying few months and I don’t have the energy to deal with your uncouth jealousy today.” 

“And what,” Jafar started nonchalantly, quickly pouring a splash of milk into one of the mugs, “pray tell, do I have to be jealous of?” 

Joe shifted in his seat, bringing his hand to rest on Nicky’s knee as their unexpected guest set down a mug of coffee in front of each of them. “Oh, I don’t know? Hundreds of years of rejection?” 

Jafar glared at his brother before grabbing the salt from the center of the table and pouring it into his brother’s coffee. 

“Always such a child.” Joe commented, sliding the ruined coffee away before grabbing Nicky’s and taking a hesitant sip. 

His brother pursed his lips at the ambivalence of the action. “It’s not poisoned, I would never stoop so low as to poison my Nicolò.” 

“Not yours.” Said man whispered with a long suffering sigh before grabbing the coffee mug from Joe and taking a large gulp wincing as the liquid scalded his tongue but relishing in the sweetness and caffeine. 

Jafar grinned devilishly before sitting down across from Nicky, watching in delight as the man continued to sip tentatively at his coffee. Eyeing the bob of Nicky’s Adam's apple as the man swallowed another mouthful, Jafar leaned forward and rested his chin in his hands, eyes sparkling in amusement when Joe kicked his shin under the table. “I’m sure my coffee is much better than my brothers.” 

Nicky licked his lips, his mouth suddenly dry. 

“Joe?” He questioned, confused. There was a warmth spreading through his chest, sliding to the ends of his toes and encapsulating the very tips of his fingers. A gentle wave of lassitude washed over him as he faintly hummed and turned to stare in awe at Joe, the light of the new day streaming in through the window and blanketing the man in a halo of golden sun. Nicky reached a hand out and gently cupped Joe’s cheek - thumb brushing lightly over the man’s cheek bone. He knew every inch of Yusuf but it was as if God himself was washing his love in a new light. Showing Nicky just how gorgeous Joe was even in a simple shirt and sweatpants. 

“You are beautiful, Amore mio.” He murmured, working hard to focus on forming the words as the world spun around him. “The embodiment of Adonis.” 

Nicky watched in awe as the light surrounding Joe grew more vibrant, swirling around the room in a magical display before a lethargy grabbed hold of his consciousness and pulled him into darkness. 

“What did you do!?” Joe shouted, catching Nicky as the younger man pitched forward in his seat, his hand falling from Joe’s cheek. Joe readjusted his grip on his husband so he was holding him gently against his chest, one hand wrapped tightly around Nicky’s back the other cradling the back of his love’s head. 

Jafar rolled his eyes, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms with a huff. “And you say I am the dramatic one. It’s a simple spell, Brother. He’ll be fine.” 

“Nothing is ever simple with you.” Joe hissed, maneuvering Nicky so he was resting comfortably on the table. “Undo it.” 

“Why would I ever do that? He is much more complacent when he is asleep. It’ll make it easier on him when we leave.” 

Joe growled while picking up the mug of salted coffee and lobbing it at Jafar - who gleefully dodged - in anger. “Stop trying to steal away my Nicky! It has been hundreds of years, find some other unfortunate soul to shower in your reckless affection!” 

“There is no other soul deserving of such!” Jaffar retorted coming to a stand so he could tower over his brother and the sleeping Nicky. 

Joe stood quickly to meet his brother's gaze, anger darkening his normally soft features. “You were always so selfish! You could never handle anyone having more than you!” 

“Me, selfish?” Jafar questioned, righteous indignation coloring his words. “How about you? You were always mother's favorite, preening under her warmth as she doted on you. Her precious Yusuf who could do no wrong! I had to live with the leftover scraps of her love!” 

“Maybe because instead of dreaming about magic lamps and djinns, I worked to help father provide for our family! I helped mother tend to the household! I educated myself to learn the language of travellers to help grow our small market stall!” Joe countered vehemently. “While you, brother dearest, spent days and nights studying fantasy stories.” 

“And then you left!” Jafar shouted, slamming his hands harshly against the table, wincing slightly when the sound had Nicky softly snuffling and turning his head away from the loud bang. “You left.” He repeated quieter, voice still a harsh whisper. 

“I left because our homeland needed all the capable hands that could be spared.” Joe explained softly, “I was the eldest. Even though by minutes, I was the oldest, Jafar. It was my duty to protect our home. Would you rather our father have been sent to his death instead?” 

Jafar reeled back offended, “Of course not.” 

Joe shook his head at the answer, “Then why are we arguing about this?” 

“Because you left and were rewarded with unending life and love, I was left to defend our mother and father from the invaders. I was captured and sold - imprisoned. It took me years to escape.” 

“Jafar…” Joe started eyes easing in their anger. 

“Do not pity me, Brother. Thanks to that hard life, I bettered myself. I learned the sorcery of devils from the masters of the art. I used my skills to rise to Grand Vizier of Agrabah, the Sultans most trusted advisor.I had the perfect plan in place, but…” Jafar started, moving from his spot at the table to come to stand beside Nicky. “Imagine my surprise when one day in the marketplace, I see my brother and a _Christian_ holding hands and looking at baskets of fruit.” 

Jafar went to run his hand through Nicky’s hair but stopped when Joe growled at the movement. “I was furious.” He explained, letting his fall to his side. “You had forsaken our people for the wiles of those that ravaged our land. It was then I realized you didn’t deserve happiness. You deserved nothing but the despair and agony that I was thrust into for years.” 

Joe sighed and ran a hand through his short curls, he took a deep breath to reply but was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening and a shout from Andy echoing from the living room. 

Jafar took advantage of this distraction and quickly grasped Nicky’s hand and pulled the younger man towards him. “Good-bye brother, I promise to let you visit in - oh, about a hundred years or so. Nicolò should be settled in by then.” 

Joe turned at the farewell, bellowing in annoyance as he hastily latched onto Nicky’s other hand and tugged his love back towards him. 

“Let go!” Jafar demanded petulantly as he tugged on Nicky’s wrist, watching as the sleeping man’s head lolled back and forth from each tug. 

“He is my husband, you let go.” Joe hissed, pulling against the gravity of both the situation and his brother's strength. He knew if he lost his grip it would most likely be the last he saw of Nicky for who knew how long. 

“You do not deserve Nicolò, he is my senses when I am deaf and blind-” 

Joe narrowed his eyes and gave a particularly harsh tug to Nicky’s arm sending Jafar stumbling forward. “You do not get to wax poetic about Nicolò.” 

The guttural growl Joe received in reply had him widening his stance and putting all his weight into pulling backwards to keep Nicky on his side of the table. 

“He deserves lavishment, the life of a Prince.” Jafar tried to reason, setting one of his feet against the table's edge and pulling. “Not this pauper's existence.” 

“And you think he would get that with you? He’d be a bird trapped in a gilded cage.” Joe hissed, bracing one of his feet against the seat of Nicky’s chair and leaning backwards. 

“What the fuck, Joe?” Andy questioned harshly, startling the two brothers. 

“You guys see two of them too, right?” Nile asked from her position behind Andy, eyes darting back and forth between Joe and Jafar before finally landing on the fast asleep Nicky. “What happened to Nicky?” 

“My asshole of a brother happened.” Joe supplied tugging one last time and wincing when Nicky slipped free from Jafars grasp and sent the two of them crashing to the floor in an undignified heap. 

“Just a little family squabble.” Jafar helpfully commented, crossing his arms and staring at his brother on the floor before rolling his eyes at the pinched glare his brother was leveling at him. 

“Wait, brother?” Booker asked, stepping around Andy and moving to help Joe untangle himself from Nicky’s gangly limbs. “How the hell is that possible? 

Andy pursed her lips, watching as Booker assisted Joe to his feet. “And more importantly why were we not made aware of this?” 

Joe winced at Andy’s tone, trying not to fret over the reprimand he knew would most likely be in his future. He knelt back down to Nicky and, with the help of Booker, gently moved his love to rest more comfortable back against the wall. He tried his best to ignore the way Nicky’s chin rested against his chest, reminding himself that his dearest was just asleep and nothing more. 

“Is he immortal, like us?” 

Jafar turned towards Nile, laughing at the notion. “Dear child, I am more than just some lowly immortal. I am-” 

“An asshole, who sided with the dark forces of the world.” Joe interrupted coming to a stand with a sigh. “Andy this is Jafar, my brother.” 

“Wait…” Nile started, a smile spreading across her face as she stepped to stand beside Andy. “Like, Aladdin’s Jafar? The dude who tried to take over Agrabah and failed epically? That Jafar?” 

“Aladdin was a street rat and an infuriating nuisance who embellished to save his own ass.” Jafar murmured, crossing his arms over his chest. Trying his best to ignore that particularly horrid portion of his life. Years of planning ruined by the feeble minded whims of a boy. 

“Holy shit!” Nile slapped her hands together with a giggle. “Andy, this is… this is awesome!” 

Andy _hmm’d_ , her eyes sparkling at Nile’s enthusiasm. “Again, why are we just hearing about this now, Joe?” 

“Because he is not immortal like us. He uses dark magic to extend his life because he’s a petulant child. I didn’t think it was of importance.” 

“Child!” Jafar exclaimed, “I worked hard to earn my place in life. You were spoon fed your longevity!” 

“Spoon-fed, he says!” Joe replied, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “We work hard to help humanity, saving those we can. We use our _spoon-fed longevity_ to do good work.” 

“And allowing Nicolò to die many deaths in the process. You show your love in very ugly ways, Brother.” 

“And you show yours in very destructive ways, _Brother._ ” 

“Alright! Enough!” Andy shouted, hands rubbing her temples to calm the headache she could feel forming. “I am not drunk enough to deal with this shit.” 

“So-uh...Jafar, right?” Booker questioned, “Any reason you decided to pop in for a visit today?” 

“He hoped that I had perished at Merricks. He came to steal Nicky away.” 

“I would not want my Nicolò to suffer by his lonesome in the aftermath of such a tragedy.” Jafar sniffed, “I only came to offer the comfort of my affection.” 

“Okay, so… then why is Nicky doing his best rendition of Sleeping Beauty?” Nile asked, eyeing the sleeping man with a raised brow. 

Jafar made a noise and looked away rubbing a hand through his short locks. “Because I betwixt his coffee so he would sleep.” 

“Again, asshole.” Joe said. 

“Jafar, wake Nicky up. Now.” Andy commanded, raising a hand when the man started to protest. “I wasn’t asking.” 

Jafar looked towards Joe, as if silently asking if this woman was for real before snapping his fingers. 

Booker watched as Nicky gasped awake, the sound reminding him of the many times they woke from death and floundered for that first breath of life. He reached down to grasp Nicky’s flailing hand and help pull the man to his feet. Steadying him when Nicky began to sway. 

“Now, if you two promise to stow the family drama bullshit, breakfast will be in twenty.” 

Jafar made a noise but acquiesced simply stating, “I could eat.” 

“Great, fantastic. Nile, with me.” With that Andy was out of the kitchen and headed towards the living room, Nile bouncing at her back talking excitedly about what other Disney movies were based on real life. 

Booker looked towards Nicky and Joe, “So, brother huh?” 

Joe rolled his eyes, shoving Nicky into one of the empty table chairs before heading back to the counter to continue his breakfast preparations. Joe flipped the bowl of biscuit dough onto the counter and looked expectantly at Jafar. “If you are planning to stay for breakfast you aren’t freeloading.” 

Nicky smirked as he watched Joe throw a knife towards his brother who froze it in midair before quickly grasping the object's handle in surprise. “Well, of course I would have to help. You would only burn the dough.” 

“Says the man who burnt the same grilled cheese three times upon his last visit!” 

“So is this a regular thing?” Booker asked as he sat beside Nicky. 

“Every hundred years or so, this visit is going better than most. No one died this time.” 

Booker huffed a laugh at that and leaned back in his chair watching the twins bicker at how to properly roll out biscuits to get the exact amount of fluffy to crispy ratio. Nothing surprised him in this weird ass life anymore.


End file.
